how to keep your parents involved, but your sanity intact

Whether your parents are parents or more friends than parents, one thing’s for certain—wedding planning with them involved can be overwhelming. To be fair, they come by their excitement and enthusiasm honestly. They love you and want your day to be perfect, but can also view it as an opportunity to impress everyone they know who will be attending the wedding. While it’s not technically their day or really even about them, parents trying to take total control over your wedding day is a common theme, and I have some tips and tactics you can use to keep their control under control.

Keep Their Guest List Short

Like I mentioned earlier, parents have a strange habit of viewing your wedding day as their own. Therefore, they may hand you their guest list that’s about two pages longer than you expected. There are two ways to handle this.

The first is the incredibly handy “No pay, no say” rule of thumb. Meaning, if they’re not expensing your wedding, they don’t get to call the shots. If they are paying, however, and if they’re approachable, try having a heart-to-heart early on in the process. Explain to them that your wedding isn’t about putting butts in seats—you and your partner only want guests in the room with whom you have a personal connection. If the guest has supported, upheld, and known you and your partner’s relationship from the beginning, they take first priority on the guest list.

Don’t Let Them Rain on Your Vision

People have different tastes in all things, but especially wedding decor. One person might find tulle bows on chairs impossibly charming and beautiful, and another person might find them to be borderline offensive (and this person would be right). If your parents are challenging your vision and trying to add in their own personal touches that threaten the aesthetic you’ve been dreaming about for so long, you can again enact the “No pay, no say” tactic or have another conversation. After all, your wedding is a celebration of you, your partner, and all things that reflect exactly who you are together.

Their Taste Buds are Not Superior To Yours

Menu selection and tastings are one of the most fun and delicious parts of planning your nuptials! Free food samples to judge openly? Hell yes. Sometimes, wedding menu tastings are limited to a small group of people and, if you’re concerned about all the proverbial cooks in the kitchen, you can always explain to your parents that the catering company asks that only the couple attends. If you want them to be a part of it, just let your planner know ASAP so they can provide feedback forms for your parents to log all their opinions! Ultimately, the food decision is yours, but this is an easy way to ensure they feel heard and included.

Everybody Dance Now (or Later)

Generally, parent/child dances can be… boring. Sweet, yes, but definitely a moment of opportunity for your guests to take a quick bathroom break or get a drink refill. Even if you hate the idea of these traditional dances where all eyes are on you, consider what you’ve said “yes” and “no” to in regards to your parents. I always advise for these special dances to last only two minutes or so, and that any toasts should max out at five minutes (and even that’s pushing it!). If doing both a parent/child dance and letting them give a toast makes you want to hide under the table until it’s over, opt for one or the other. Remember: Stress doesn’t have a seat at the table on your wedding day—protect your peace!

Hire a Planner

You knew this was coming. Working with a planner like myself is extremely beneficial for a multitude of reasons, but especially in terms of dealing with these smaller stressors. As wedding planners, we work to create a sort of bubble around you and your partner that shields you from any added confusion or anxiety about your big day. Planners also work to not share details with uninvolved parties, practice serious discretion, and brainstorm/execute wedding-centric activities that will help to keep your parents busy and out of your perfectly blown out hair (i.e. ladies lunches, salon and spa appointments, tee times on the golf course, and more)!

The biggest takeaway: As long as your parents are rational, approachable people (even on their worst days), a heart-to-heart to set expectations for planning your nuptials can go a long way. And remember that they worry and fuss out of love!